1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here.

4. A dyslexic walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The
ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not
unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive..."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's
have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?,
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

14. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a
mussel.

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit
a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

A traveling salesman's car breaks down and he walks up to an old farmhouse and knocks on the door. The old farmer answers, and the salesman explains his dilema. The farmer tells him he can give him a ride to town in the morning, but the salesman will have to spend the night in the barn. The salemans agrees, but then the farmer says, "I have to warn you about something young man, I ain't got no daughter."

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted... "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumblesto himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and
sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,
"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know
who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sexlife."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
:P