How about a joke of the day?

this could be done by the admin's clown or by member input.

here's one to start it off...

A little string goes into a bar, and orders a drink. The Bartender says, 'We dont serve your kind here' and throws the little string out of the bar!

Dejected, the little string is sitting on the curb when along comes a friend and says, 'My little friend, what you need is a makeover, and image improvement, and I can help'.

So off they go to the friends place, where he starts working on the string. He snips one end here, a little there, kind of frizzes out the end, and finally ties the string into a knot, and so the little string is happy and sure that this makeover will do him good.

He goes back to the same bar, and strolls in confidently and orders a drink. The bartender says, 'Hey, aren't you that little string I just threw out of here?'

'No sir, Frayed knot!'

:-P :mrgreen:


so on the other hand, maybe a joke of the day ISNT good after all :wink:

A buddy of mine from back East lived in New Jersey and drove to New York City to work every day. He finally decided it was too expensive to make the drive every day by himself so he located a couple of other people in the same predicament and they took turns driving as a group to save money and have some companionship during the trek.
After a few months of riding or driving to and from New York City, this buddy noticed that every time they went through the tunnel between New Jersey and New York City, he became increasingly nervous and anxious. It finally started to bother him so much that he eventually went to the doctor to ask about it.
After talking to the doctor for almost an hour, the doctor reached his diagnosis.
"It's just as I thought," the doctor said. "It looks like you have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

OK. So it makes the little string look much more interesting...

Back when I was a kid working on my first car I had a Labrador that was a really great dog. She always hung around when I was outside and never strayed far. I was cleaning some carb parts in gasoline, and noticed that all the liquid was gone from the little tub I had the parts in on the ground. (thinking I had spilled it or something).
Just then I noticed that my dog was running around the house again and again,,,, faster and faster. Each trip around the house seemed to be quicker and quicker, never missing a step until finally she just stopped and fell on her side. I thought "oh my gawd is she dead"?

I went over to check on her, and it turns out she only ran out of gas. :bomb:

A Duck walks into a Bar
Tells the Bar Tender “Give me a Beer, put it on my bill!” :wow:

Man Walks into a Bar, knocks him out! :D :stupid:

Horse walks into a Bar, tells the Bar Tender “Give me a Beer!”
The Bar Tender says “So, why the long face?” :D :baa:

Skeleton walks into a bar, tells the Bar Tender,
“Give me a Beer and a Mop!” :D :whaasup:

A Sandwich walks into a bar says, “Give me a Beer!”
Bar Tender tells him, “We don’t serve food in here!” :lol:

Why don’t cannibals eat Clowns?
Because they taste funny! :lol: :oha:

A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband standing in the middle of the living room with a fly swatter, she asks him "what are you doing?"
He replies, "what's it look like, I'm swatting flies."
She asks, "any luck, oh great hunter of pests?"
to which he replies gingerly, "Yep, three males and two females"
as she is curiuos of his obvious pride in his endeavors she asks, "how do you know the gender of these now departed creatures?"
He beams and exclaims to her, "three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!!!!"

Imports are like tampons,Every p-ssy needs one!!!

temite walks into a saloon and yells at the top of his lungs...
Is the bar-tender here?

and the string wins...

blonde in a row boat in the middle of a cut down corn field, just paddling
her little ass off.
another blonde drives past and sees this.
She jumps out and screams at the girl in the boat.
You stupid blonde, what ARE you doing?, blondes like you are the reason the rest of us don't get any respect...
and if I could swim, I would come out there and kick your ass...

how do you know when its 12 midnight at Micheal Jacksons house??

When the big hand touches the little hand..

Why were the two blondes sitting on the roof of the bar?
they herd that the drinks were on the house..

How do you keep an A-- hole in suspense?

Why didnt the skeleton cross the road?
He had no guts..



Why dont pirates make good life gaurds?
Because they dont know C P RRRRRR


what did the Pirate pay for his two earings?
Buccaneer..

woman goes in to see her gyno for a routine checkup and while she is there, she asks the doctor who is blonde,
Is it possible to get Aids in the public restrooms?

Doc looks at her and said well of course you can... so I suggest you quit ahving sex in there...

Difference between a mechanic and an engineer?

A mechanic has to wash his hands before he goes to the bathroom...

UT student and an A&M student were in the restroom at the stadium during the UT A&M game when the UT student finished going and starts to leave. The A&M student says, "at A&M they teach us to wash our hands after using the bathroom."
UT student replies, "at UT, they teach us not to pee on our hands!"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any peanuts
the bartender says no
the next day the duck asks the bartender if he has any peanuts
a little iritated the batender says no
again the duck comes into the bar and asks if he has any peanuts
the bartender yells"no, and if you ask me one more time i'm gonna nail your feet to the floor"
the duck walks out
the next day the duck comes back to the bar and asks the bartender if he has any nails
the baretender says no
the duck says" well then,got any peanuts?"
:lol:

Guy walks into a bar surrounded by six beautiful women (two on each side, two in back) and says "Bartender give us a round of drinks." Bartender gives him his drinks and the guy pays with a $1000 bill and tells the bartender to "keep the change pal." Just as the guy is about to sip his drink, a Leprechaun...about a foot tall... jumps out of the inside of the guys coat and kicks over all the drinks and then leaps back into the guys coat. The bartender stares in amazement. Well the guy says "Bartender give us another round of drinks." The guy pays with another $1000 bill and tells the bartender to again "keep the change buddy." Just as the guy is about to sip his drink, out pops the Leprechaun again (he dancers a lil Irish jig this time) kicks over all the drinks, then jumps back into the guys coat. The bartender is shocked and awed. Well the guy orders another round of drinks, pays with another $1000 dollar bill, tells the bartender to once again "keep the change my friend"...and just as he's about to take a sip of his drink...(you guessed it) out pops the Leprechaun, who dancers a lil Irish jig again, flips the guy the middle finger this time, kicks over all the drinks, and leaps back into the guys coat. The bartender says "whoa whoa whoa...whats up with that, what's going on here, tell me the story?" The guy says..."well I was walking along the beach yesterday and I found this lantern, I picked it up, and when I went to brush the sand off, out pops this Genie and he tells me he'll grant me 3 wishes." The bartender says "oh yeah whad cha wish for?" The guy says "well my first wish was that I'd always be surrounded by beautiful women." (him and bartender both glance at the six beauties) Bartender says "oh yeah, what was your second wish?" The guy says "well my second wish was that whenever I reach into my pocket, I'd pull out a $1000 dollar bill." (guy reaches into his pocket pulls out a $1000 bill to show him) The bartender asks, "oh yeah, and what was your third wish?" The guy says "well...my third wish was for a twelve inch prick."

LMAO.. that was bad.. (in a good sense) :lol: :lol:

Guy walks into a bar surrounded by six beautiful women (two on each side, two in back) and says "Bartender give us a round of drinks." Bartender gives him his drinks and the guy pays with a $1000 bill and tells the bartender to "keep the change pal." Just as the guy is about to sip his drink, a Leprechaun...about a foot tall... jumps out of the inside of the guys coat and kicks over all the drinks and then leaps back into the guys coat. The bartender stares in amazement. Well the guy says "Bartender give us another round of drinks." The guy pays with another $1000 bill and tells the bartender to again "keep the change buddy." Just as the guy is about to sip his drink, out pops the Leprechaun again (he dancers a lil Irish jig this time) kicks over all the drinks, then jumps back into the guys coat. The bartender is shocked and awed. Well the guy orders another round of drinks, pays with another $1000 dollar bill, tells the bartender to once again "keep the change my friend"...and just as he's about to take a sip of his drink...(you guessed it) out pops the Leprechaun, who dancers a lil Irish jig again, flips the guy the middle finger this time, kicks over all the drinks, and leaps back into the guys coat. The bartender says "whoa whoa whoa...whats up with that, what's going on here, tell me the story?" The guy says..."well I was walking along the beach yesterday and I found this lantern, I picked it up, and when I went to brush the sand off, out pops this Genie and he tells me he'll grant me 3 wishes." The bartender says "oh yeah whad cha wish for?" The guy says "well my first wish was that I'd always be surrounded by beautiful women." (him and bartender both glance at the six beauties) Bartender says "oh yeah, what was your second wish?" The guy says "well my second wish was that whenever I reach into my pocket, I'd pull out a $1000 dollar bill." (guy reaches into his pocket pulls out a $1000 bill to show him) The bartender asks, "oh yeah, and what was your third wish?" The guy says "well...my third wish was for a twelve inch prick."

heard it and its a classic! One of my fav's

here's another....

An elephant is walking through the jungle and starts to hear this little cry: "help! Help! I cant get out!". As he walks on its getting closer, and he happens upon this hole in the ground that is a pit for trapping animals, and he looks down in it and theres a little mouse crying help me I cant get out of here. So the elephant tries to lower his trunk down to the mouse but to no avail, so he turns around and backs up to the hole and lowers his giant penis down into the hole, and sure enough the little mouse hops and on it and is able to crawl out.

The little mouse thanks the elephant profusely and they turn and both go on his own way.

A few days later, the mouse is walking through the jungle and hears an elephant trumpet noisily, and he runs to find another dug out trap and the same elephant who rescued him is now trapped....

so the mouse tells the elephant to hold on for a few minutes and he would be right back, and away he goes...

sure enough in a few minutes the mouse comes roaring back to the hole driving a shiny new Porsche. He ties a rope onto the car and throws the other end to the elephant who holds on. Then the mouse starts the car and pulls the elephant out of the whole! 8O


the moral? You dont have to drive a Porsche if you have a big....

:lol:

OK, you heard that one before...how bout this one? A guy walks into a bar carrying a suit case, places the case on the bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender asks "Hey buddy what's up with the case, you some kind of traveling saleman or something?" The guy tells him "Nope" and proceeds to open the case which all four sides fold down. Low and behold there's this lil tiny guy about 12" tall with a minature baby grand piano who starts playing classical music. The bartender asks "Hey where did you get that lil tiny guy with the lil baby grand piano?'' The guy says "Well I was walking along the beach when I looked down and saw this lantern, I picked it up and went to brush the sand off it and out pops this Genie who says he'll grant me one wish." The bartender says "No $#!+, whad cha do with the lantern?" The guy says "I left it at the beach." The bartender says "What beach?" The guy says "Malibu" (nothing to do with the car). The bartender runs out of the bar headed toward the beach. About an hour later the guy hears all this quacking. In walks the bartender followed by a million ducks in a single line behind him...they proceed into the bar filling it. The bartender asks the guy, "Hey buddy what's up with that Genie, is he hard of hearing or something? I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks" The guy says "Yeah I know he must've been hard of hearing, you don't think I'd wish for a 12" pianist do you?"

An old farmer is tending to his crops and chickens one day when he finds his old rooster dead. So he goes over to his neighbor, and tells him the bad news. Neighbor kindly loans him his prize rooster while the old man is getting ready for his new rooster.
as he was leaving to go home the neighbor tells him to be careful with Tommy as he can get a little crazy. old man scratches his head and looks at the bird, and sez "Tommy...huh"
Tommy cocks his head and kinda winks...

Soon enough, they make it back home and the old man puts him in the hen house and all of a sudden feathers start flyin, chickens scramblin for cover and Tommy just going nuts.
Farmer thinks damn, he wasn't lying...

Next day, the old man goes out and feathers still flying, so he smiles and goes about his chores for the day, he comes in for lunch and finds Tommy mounted on a horse. His jaw just hits the dirt, he goes over and pulls Tommy off and looks at him and sez that just aint right Tommy, stay in the coop.
Everything's just peachy for the next few days untill the old man goes in the barn and finds Tommy screwing a cow.
The old man gets pissed and grabs Tommy by the neck and throws him back in the coop and tells him that one of these days he's going to get himself killed messing around with the wrong animal... Tommy just cocks his head and winks to the old man.
Next day the old man comes out and NO Tommy, he looks all over the place and through the barns. NO Tommy.
So, he goes about his chores and while riding around he sees this little white spot out in the back "forty". Birds startin to circle.
so he rides out there and sure enough, there's Tommy just layin in the dirt. So he goes over and picks him up and sez... dammit Tommy, I told you were going to get yourself hurt. now what am I going to do?

all of a sudden, Tommy opens one eye and sez... shhhh, I think their about to land...

A mother and her very young daughter are walking through a cemetery after visiting the grandmother's grave, and the little girl asks her mom if they ever bury 2 people in the same grave.

"Why no, sweetie they don't. Why do you ask that?"

"Well" said the little girl, "That grave says 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."


:P

Two guys go into a bar and order a beer and while checking out the girls in comes this beautiful woman, one guy says to the other " man this woman is a knock out, other gus says she has got to be an 8 in my books" so this durnk sitting next to them lifts his head up off the bar takes a look and says 2ooooh in a drunkin voice. Both guys look at him and one says ignore him he's drunk. So another georgous woman walks in and these two guys go nuts over her, one guy says to the other man she is definetly a 9 on the rictor scale, the old drunk lifts his head up again takes a look and says 3hreeeee. One guy says to the other what is wrong with this guy, ahh ignor him. Next woman comes in and these to guys toungs hit the floor man she is a 10 if I have ever seen one, yah buddy. Old drunk lifts up his head and says 4oooooor. Curious one guy asks the drunk how are you rating these woman? Drunk says I rate them on the Budweiser Suytem, Oh yah what is the Budweiser system? I rate them on how many Clydsdales it will take to pull them off my face.

These people aren't right. :P

wow that last one was amazing :lol:

JB Hunt driver takes a good long look at his company and decides he is going into farming after seeing a beautiful farm for sale on one of his many long and low paying trips.
so he goes in to the general store in town and politely inquires about the land and the crops in the area, old man at the store figures out quickly enough that the driver doesn't know squat about farming and decides to have some fun with the gent.
As they are talking about his plans to get off the road, the merchant scratches his chin and sez "well neighbor, if'n your going to be a farmer you'll need some tools... I can help you in that department... and the rest of the town people can help you with everything else...
"Gosh" sez the driver, that would be just swell of you and everybody.
The old man rummages around in the back and brings out an antique mule yolk, a hoe and shovel.
"you'll need all this for tending to the fields" well I reckon I will"
then the young man takes the bait and looks at the old man and sez, well I just need to get a mule now, don't I?
The old merchant tells him to go see his first neighbor, the other side of his place and tell him the general store sent him to get a mule egg.
so off the driver goes with all his new gear to see his "new" neighbor
while he is enroute, the old man calls his old friend to tell him what is going on.
the neighbor paints a watermellon brown w/ some little white edges.
Driver arrives all tuckered out and goes into the old mans yard across an old rickety bridge.
and announcing himself with pride, he tells the old man everything that has happended and that the general store sent him here to get squared away with a mule.
Farmer looks around with a sad face and tells him that his old mule had just died two days ago, but before passing had laid one last egg, and seeing as he was new in the area, he could have it on loan while he got under way. Driver looks puzzeled, and sez "a mule egg?"
"well shure... how else you think they come into this world?"
the old man tells him to be extry carfull with that egg, as it is his last one and it came from good solid stock, driver takes it in hand and gathers up the rest of his gear, saying thank you very much, he heads back up towards the store, comes up to the old bridge and stumbles over a loose board, over goes the "egg" and all his gear.
SPLAT
big rabbit hauls ass from under the bridge and the farmer runs up after seeing all this.
WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?
YOU BROKE THE LAST EGG I HAD???
the farmer is just raving on and on...
the driver starts to cry and sez, well it don't matter no how, I wouldn't have been able to keep up with that mule in the fields anyway...
.................................................. .........................................

shucks, that took some time to type.......

Sorry to say it after all your typing but it's been a few minutes and that joke still didn't set in on me. I don't get it... yet.

Sorry to say it after all your typing but it's been a few minutes and that joke still didn't set in on me. I don't get it... yet.

LOL....unfortunately, I guess eighty_five was so tuckered out from all the typing, he might have short-changed us on a word or two that would clarify it better... ;)

what happened was when the driver stumbled and dropped the 'mule egg' and his gear over the edge of the bridge, he didnt see it hit, but heard it SPLAT, and there happened to be a big ole rabbit under the bridge. He got frightened by the sound and ran out from the under the bridge. The driver saw it, thought that the 'baby mule' had come out of the egg, and well, he couldnt have kept up with something that fast with his plow....

does that help, supercharged?? :P :lol:

It does work a little better across the C.B. ......

(JB Hunt drivers catch a LOT of sh**T out on the road!!!) :lol:

Now I get it. Much better and I no longer have to keep trying to make sense of ti! :lol:

http://www.plur.net/thisland.html click on atom films

I liked that. Awesome graphics too! Thanks for shareing

LOL, good ones guys!
Heard this one before?
A woman goes into see her new gynecologist for a check up. The nurse has her dress in the flimsy gown and climb up on the table as usual. Soon the Dr. comes in and has her assume the postion, and as he prepares to examine her, he asks if she would like him to numb her first to make her more comfortable. She thinks about it for a moment and decides that would be alot better than usual, and says ok. So the Dr. leans down, lifts her gown, and goes, "Num-num-num-num...."

`have you heard about blond paint

its not very bright
but its easy to spread

So this El camino salesman is out pounding the backwoods looking for a customer.
He drives up to this farm and stops at the farmhouse.
There is a skinng 6 year-old kid sitting on the step.
"Where's yer Pa" says he.
"Out farming, Why?" says the kid.
"I'm gonna sell him an EL CAMINO!" says the sales guy.
"Nope" says the kid. "We gots all we need!"
"How?" says the salesguy.
"I won them!!"
"Horse hockey!"
"Follow me" says the kid and leads him to the barn. Inside the barn is an array of Elkies. Most every year, model and color.
"You WON these??" asks the salesman.
"Yup" brags the kid. "I bet salesmen I can do something they can't!!"
Well, the sales guy looks the kid over and arranges a bet...his choice of the barn contents against one of the El Caminos he's selling. The bet is agreed to.
"Follow me!" says the kid and takes off running around the barn. Huffing and puffing the salesman follows. Then the kid circles the house with the salesman grinning and close behind.
Then the kid runs into the house and up the stairs. The sales guy follows.
The kid runs into his 17 year old sisters bedroom, closely followed by the sales guy. The kid runs around his sisters bed. In this bed is his sister, in her absolutely fabulous all-together stark nekkidness. The salesman follows, closely eyeing this sight to behold. The salesman stops and looks over at the kid.
The kid has his little weiner out and wrapped around his finger.
The salesguy says "You gonna want air conditioning installed?"

whats big yellow and cant swim?




a bulldozer!

ha...


and also, whats green, has 4 legs, and deadly falling out of a tree?





a pool table!

ha again....